Who in the world am i? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.
(Madhatter: C.S LEWIS)
For the past couple of months, things have been very bleak for me. In November 2017, it was a normal day, as I was sitting at my office, and the telephone rang. As it rang, it woke me up a bit, and I felt a little unsettled by the phone call. As the telephone never rang, ever since I started the job in July 2017. I picked up and was fairly surprised by the caller, it was the boss from the second level. He called me, into his office. I walked up the flight of stairs, anxiously, heart beating a little quicker, as I approached his office. I knocked the door, and he said “Come in.” I stood, and he called me to take a seat. The air was a little bit tense, as he started off by asking, ” What have you been doing?” I answered softly, just the normal stuff, going through file and researching. So, you have not been doing anything xxx stuff? And i told him honestly, “Not really.”
Then he broke the news. Well, unfortunately, we just cannot foresee you to fit into our company, and we would have to let you go. I was sort of expecting that the call was a sign of trouble, and it was indeed as foreseen. My first response was “Why?”, then he told me, we just cannot seems to fit you in and you do not have the extra further qualification that we want, and I said, so that is the reason why? Because I was lacking that additional further qualification. Then, I asked, when do i have to leave? He said a month notice.
Two days down the road, I wanted to speak to my other boss, whom I was reporting to for the last couple of months. I wanted to tell him that i would prefer to leave immediately, as obviously the company did not see me of value and I was basically very much easily replaceable. And as expected, he did tell me that he had hired those with further qualification to replace me. At that point in time, I felt very much hurt and offended, and felt worthless. After knowing the news, I could not sleep and cried and balled my eyes out. I started questioning my existence in life, and what my worth is. That rejection felt extremely painful, and it went straight to my heart. That i realised that I was basically considered not good enough in the eyes of these people whom i worked for. Perhaps, I was not carrying myself well enough, whatever the reason was, I tried to make sense, day after day, i arrived to one conclusion, with the help of a very great and wise teacher. That these rejections will continuously happen, one after the other. In which it is true, I have decided to take on to apply the further qualification, and true enough, i have recently got the news that I have been rejected by three Universities. In this very thin line that I am hanging, I am just wondering and figuring and making sense of everything. But, i have also concluded that there isn’t any point of me making sense of every single thing that happened in life. I hope that 5 years down the track, I could give an answer to this little short story that i have written, and tell myself that it was worthwhile to be rejected and I hope that 5 years me, will be greater and stronger. But for now, I am still feeling very very uncertain of my own life and the future to me is extremely anxious. But, its okay, and if you are feeling like that, its okay. Its okay to feel confused, i believe, that one day, there is a day where we look back at our life, and we would say, all of these happened for a reason, and maybe there isn’t a reason to begin, life isn’t dictated by events, it is dictated by how you would want to live and see the world. Your mind is your direction. And going through pain is one of the lessons that EVERYONE has to learn. We need to rise and stand strong together. I hope that this message will share a little insight of my current life status. Although, it isn’t very interesting. And truthfully, I am still very very confused, even at this age. I am yet to achieve anything, but i do think that all the pain that I had gone through, I am slowly recovering from it , patching up with a little bit of iodine, betadine and alcohol. I hope my heart and mind becomes a little bit wiser, and i hope if you are going through any sort of confusion in your life, that this little short story thought will give you some sort of enlightenment that, I am also a fellow human being going through that anxiety and unsettling present and future. 🙂
Take care and i hope to return some other stories to share.
Lots of love,